I don't think I've ever felt myself slowly becoming distant from a good friend. Someone who used to be my best friend.
I think that slow distance is worse.
Breaking up with a friendship hurts more and seems more permanent.
You kind of blame yourself when they don't notice.
Aren't they supposed to love you as much as you love them?
Who's really left to care?
Is this loneliness?
Or is this growing up?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
sound of my voice
"Peter Aitkin likes math, reason, and himself. Things he can count on. When Peter was 12 his mother was diagnosed with cancer, a long time member of a new age cult she believed that modern medicine shouldn't intervene in her fate. She died on the eve of Peter's birthday while they were both asleep. Peter woke up 13, and motherless."
As an actress, Brit Marling is incredibly fascinating. I first saw her in Another Earth, and I am watching her now in Sound of My Voice, a twilight zone-esque glimpse at fate and faith and how you're supposed to believe what you believe when you can't know. The film is fascinating to me because it is so difficult to talk about faith without bringing religion into it. The movie addresses believing in the impossible only to discover that it's true and how to forget reason when reason is holding the truth back.
I related a lot to Peter in this film because he can't believe what he can't see or what he can't understand or rationalize, and for most of my life, I've been the same.
Brit Marling's character, Maggie, is from the future. As she puts it, she's dying because she traveled back in time to save the people she loves.
I'm watching the film, wondering, if in the end, Maggie is from the future. And if she is, I wonder if Peter will end up believing or simply writing her off until it's too late. But then I wonder, if I were in the same situation, would I even believe Maggie. Would I let her tell me that I was a chosen one, destined to save the future and the ones we will all come to love? Or would I run away and tell her I didn't know how to believe, or that I didn't want to believe.
The running theme throughout the X-Files is "I Want to Believe".
I've come to the understanding that I don't want to believe. Rather, I can't, and I'm not sure I want to know how.
As an actress, Brit Marling is incredibly fascinating. I first saw her in Another Earth, and I am watching her now in Sound of My Voice, a twilight zone-esque glimpse at fate and faith and how you're supposed to believe what you believe when you can't know. The film is fascinating to me because it is so difficult to talk about faith without bringing religion into it. The movie addresses believing in the impossible only to discover that it's true and how to forget reason when reason is holding the truth back.
I related a lot to Peter in this film because he can't believe what he can't see or what he can't understand or rationalize, and for most of my life, I've been the same.
Brit Marling's character, Maggie, is from the future. As she puts it, she's dying because she traveled back in time to save the people she loves.
I'm watching the film, wondering, if in the end, Maggie is from the future. And if she is, I wonder if Peter will end up believing or simply writing her off until it's too late. But then I wonder, if I were in the same situation, would I even believe Maggie. Would I let her tell me that I was a chosen one, destined to save the future and the ones we will all come to love? Or would I run away and tell her I didn't know how to believe, or that I didn't want to believe.
The running theme throughout the X-Files is "I Want to Believe".
I've come to the understanding that I don't want to believe. Rather, I can't, and I'm not sure I want to know how.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
new high score
I just beat my high score on Temple Run and for some gross and absurd reason it makes me feel like I did something really good and I haven't slept yet and it's 7:30 AM but still. I beat my high score and now I'm gonna go buy my new phone and ipad case and maybe I'll sleep later yay
Saturday, September 22, 2012
sha-monster and mike
I honestly don't think they sleep. I appreciate that they like talking just please keep in mind that the living room is two feet from my bedroom and all I really want to do as a severely sick person is sleep.
love, alcohol, dan, etc.
Today Shafeka woke me up with the delightful news that I apparently kissed everyone last night (minus sober Mike and Torrence) and was under the impression that I'm the next musical sensation. Dan and I also played 52 card pickup with three different decks of cards and I bitched about Rebekah and he bitched about Noel and then I think I cried or something and he said if things weren't important we wouldn't miss them as much as we did and then I think I tried to say something about how much I hate being young.
He told me I was being a cliche and I said aren't we all.
He left his yoga mat here and I think that means I have to trek it back to campus which is fine I'm just lazy. We both agreed that we'd probably be better friends if we weren't irrevocably lazy and if we didn't get along a billion times better while drunk.
Maybe it's just because we're both awkward and we appreciate not having to be while drunk. He's just such a goddamn lightweight it's funny.
I ran into my RA while drunk and told him I was starting the next musical sensation in Union Square. At our base meeting he asked if I was really sick or just hungover and I pretended to be greatly offended but it's probably a little of both.
This cough is the fucking worst I have shit to do.
I wish things were easier and then I remember that I'm a cliche and I should stop talking.
He told me I was being a cliche and I said aren't we all.
He left his yoga mat here and I think that means I have to trek it back to campus which is fine I'm just lazy. We both agreed that we'd probably be better friends if we weren't irrevocably lazy and if we didn't get along a billion times better while drunk.
Maybe it's just because we're both awkward and we appreciate not having to be while drunk. He's just such a goddamn lightweight it's funny.
I ran into my RA while drunk and told him I was starting the next musical sensation in Union Square. At our base meeting he asked if I was really sick or just hungover and I pretended to be greatly offended but it's probably a little of both.
This cough is the fucking worst I have shit to do.
I wish things were easier and then I remember that I'm a cliche and I should stop talking.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
sight and sound
congrats to me for skipping my first class of the year and congrats to my body for feeling super shitty
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
pristiq and psychotherapy
sometimes I'm proud of the fact that I hid that I was depressed for such a long time but I think most of the time I'm sad that no one noticed for five years or if they noticed they didn't say anything which I think makes me sadder
ritu aka ritopolis
I've never been terribly interested in journaling because I'm lazy and really hate writing on paper unlike every author to ever exist which makes me anxious and then I think about how authors probably don't think about that kind of stuff because they're too busy living and then that makes me more anxious. Also with journaling I made this obligation to myself to update the entries every day and every time I forgot I got super upset that I had missed a day so I'd write two entries and lie about when I wrote them and then I realized no one but me was reading this anyway and then I'd realize I was feeling super anxious. And now, even as I write this, I think about how stupid and how pointless and UNINTERESTING it all is. But back to the point.
I've always wanted to be interested in journaling, so now, as I find more and more ways to procrastinate finishing my novel, I have naively decided to start a blog. Can one self-identify as naive? Now I'm anxious again.
Let me start with what I wanted to start with, Ritu's question:
is this how we are supposed to feel, like a constant yo-yo of emotions based on current occurrences? Or is it supposed to be a constant state of "happiness"/"sadness"/"anger"? Idk if I'm the only one here but my emotions seem so latched onto what's going on at the moment and it's strange to feel such a big spectrum of emotion because of such a big spectrum of events going on right now?
I think Ritu asks a good question. Growing up is scary and it's weird because I think we all kind of go through life thinking it's just gonna happen one day like suddenly we'll know all the answers and the proper way to make money and live well. I think it's harder when your parents are so successful; You grow up hoping to be them rather than to be better or different.
I had always hoped that one day I would have the answers. I'd hoped that one day it would all make sense and I'd stop feeling so anxious and I would just know how everything worked and what my place in the world was.
And suddenly I was 19 years old realizing I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and where I was supposed to be going and the panic attacks didn't stop and the fear and wondering didn't stop and I was anxious and it didn't stop.
That was when I realized it'd all never really started. I was 19 years old but I was nothing close to being an adult.
So I don't know Ritu. I spent most of my summer in psychiatrist's offices and working through medications and trying to convince myself that I could make it as a writer and that I didn't need to simultaneously.
I'm not a range of emotions all the time I'm mostly sad and mostly scared. Everyone around me is doing things like working at their favorite news stations or magazines or publishing offices and I'm afraid that by the time I get over this fear that I won't amount to anything it will be too late to amount to anything.
I think my answer is that none of us really know what we're doing.
I think we're all emotional.
I think we're all overwhelmed with the daunting future and the prospect of falling in love or never finding love and with all the trouble in the nation and unemployment we're afraid that maybe we're too late and we were born in the wrong generation.
Is this how we're supposed to feel? Maybe not.
But I think it's better than feeling nothing.
So maybe it's a yo-yo and maybe it's a constant state of happiness/sadness/anger and maybe our emotions are so terribly latched onto "the moment" that we feel we're spiraling but at least we're living in the moment and at least we have moments that we feel warrant happiness.
More than anything I think we all want to understand and the hardest thing to accept is that we can't possibly and that we never will and that everyone we thought did and all the "grown-ups" we looked up to aren't grown up at all and we never grow up.
The scariest thing is just accepting that we have to be able to live and not worry about what's coming next and I think it's easier to focus on the little things especially when it's impossible to grasp the big ones.
Why on earth did I write all that?
Because I'm procrastinating on my novel and ignoring Torrence and wishing that I could just be alone for once and trying to distract myself from all the things that make me want to burst into tears and curl into a ball because I know tomorrow's a new day and I want to be ready for the spectrum of emotion.
But for my "this moment" or whatever, I'm going to curl into a ball on my bed and hope no one notices I haven't taken my medicine in 3 days.
I've always wanted to be interested in journaling, so now, as I find more and more ways to procrastinate finishing my novel, I have naively decided to start a blog. Can one self-identify as naive? Now I'm anxious again.
Let me start with what I wanted to start with, Ritu's question:
is this how we are supposed to feel, like a constant yo-yo of emotions based on current occurrences? Or is it supposed to be a constant state of "happiness"/"sadness"/"anger"? Idk if I'm the only one here but my emotions seem so latched onto what's going on at the moment and it's strange to feel such a big spectrum of emotion because of such a big spectrum of events going on right now?
I think Ritu asks a good question. Growing up is scary and it's weird because I think we all kind of go through life thinking it's just gonna happen one day like suddenly we'll know all the answers and the proper way to make money and live well. I think it's harder when your parents are so successful; You grow up hoping to be them rather than to be better or different.
I had always hoped that one day I would have the answers. I'd hoped that one day it would all make sense and I'd stop feeling so anxious and I would just know how everything worked and what my place in the world was.
And suddenly I was 19 years old realizing I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and where I was supposed to be going and the panic attacks didn't stop and the fear and wondering didn't stop and I was anxious and it didn't stop.
That was when I realized it'd all never really started. I was 19 years old but I was nothing close to being an adult.
So I don't know Ritu. I spent most of my summer in psychiatrist's offices and working through medications and trying to convince myself that I could make it as a writer and that I didn't need to simultaneously.
I'm not a range of emotions all the time I'm mostly sad and mostly scared. Everyone around me is doing things like working at their favorite news stations or magazines or publishing offices and I'm afraid that by the time I get over this fear that I won't amount to anything it will be too late to amount to anything.
I think my answer is that none of us really know what we're doing.
I think we're all emotional.
I think we're all overwhelmed with the daunting future and the prospect of falling in love or never finding love and with all the trouble in the nation and unemployment we're afraid that maybe we're too late and we were born in the wrong generation.
Is this how we're supposed to feel? Maybe not.
But I think it's better than feeling nothing.
So maybe it's a yo-yo and maybe it's a constant state of happiness/sadness/anger and maybe our emotions are so terribly latched onto "the moment" that we feel we're spiraling but at least we're living in the moment and at least we have moments that we feel warrant happiness.
More than anything I think we all want to understand and the hardest thing to accept is that we can't possibly and that we never will and that everyone we thought did and all the "grown-ups" we looked up to aren't grown up at all and we never grow up.
The scariest thing is just accepting that we have to be able to live and not worry about what's coming next and I think it's easier to focus on the little things especially when it's impossible to grasp the big ones.
Why on earth did I write all that?
Because I'm procrastinating on my novel and ignoring Torrence and wishing that I could just be alone for once and trying to distract myself from all the things that make me want to burst into tears and curl into a ball because I know tomorrow's a new day and I want to be ready for the spectrum of emotion.
But for my "this moment" or whatever, I'm going to curl into a ball on my bed and hope no one notices I haven't taken my medicine in 3 days.
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