break-ups and weird angst

I don't think I've ever felt myself slowly becoming distant from a good friend. Someone who used to be my best friend.
I think that slow distance is worse.
Breaking up with a friendship hurts more and seems more permanent.
You kind of blame yourself when they don't notice.
Aren't they supposed to love you as much as you love them?

Who's really left to care?
Is this loneliness?

Or is this growing up?

sound of my voice

"Peter Aitkin likes math, reason, and himself. Things he can count on. When Peter was 12 his mother was diagnosed with cancer, a long time member of a new age cult she believed that modern medicine shouldn't intervene in her fate. She died on the eve of Peter's birthday while they were both asleep. Peter woke up 13, and motherless."

As an actress, Brit Marling is incredibly fascinating. I first saw her in Another Earth, and I am watching her now in Sound of My Voice, a twilight zone-esque glimpse at fate and faith and how you're supposed to believe what you believe when you can't know. The film is fascinating to me because it is so difficult to talk about faith without bringing religion into it. The movie addresses believing in the impossible only to discover that it's true and how to forget reason when reason is holding the truth back.

I related a lot to Peter in this film because he can't believe what he can't see or what he can't understand or rationalize, and for most of my life, I've been the same.

Brit Marling's character, Maggie, is from the future. As she puts it, she's dying because she traveled back in time to save the people she loves.

I'm watching the film, wondering, if in the end, Maggie is from the future. And if she is, I wonder if Peter will end up believing or simply writing her off until it's too late. But then I wonder, if I were in the same situation, would I even believe Maggie. Would I let her tell me that I was a chosen one, destined to save the future and the ones we will all come to love? Or would I run away and tell her I didn't know how to believe, or that I didn't want to believe.

The running theme throughout the X-Files is "I Want to Believe".

I've come to the understanding that I don't want to believe. Rather, I can't, and I'm not sure I want to know how.

new high score

I just beat my high score on Temple Run and for some gross and absurd reason it makes me feel like I did something really good and I haven't slept yet and it's 7:30 AM but still. I beat my high score and now I'm gonna go buy my new phone and ipad case and maybe I'll sleep later yay

sha-monster and mike

I honestly don't think they sleep. I appreciate that they like talking just please keep in mind that the living room is two feet from my bedroom and all I really want to do as a severely sick person is sleep.

love, alcohol, dan, etc.

Today Shafeka woke me up with the delightful news that I apparently kissed everyone last night (minus sober Mike and Torrence) and was under the impression that I'm the next musical sensation. Dan and I also played 52 card pickup with three different decks of cards and I bitched about Rebekah and he bitched about Noel and then I think I cried or something and he said if things weren't important we wouldn't miss them as much as we did and then I think I tried to say something about how much I hate being young.
He told me I was being a cliche and I said aren't we all.
He left his yoga mat here and I think that means I have to trek it back to campus which is fine I'm just lazy. We both agreed that we'd probably be better friends if we weren't irrevocably lazy and if we didn't get along a billion times better while drunk.
Maybe it's just because we're both awkward and we appreciate not having to be while drunk. He's just such a goddamn lightweight it's funny.
I ran into my RA while drunk and told him I was starting the next musical sensation in Union Square. At our base meeting he asked if I was really sick or just hungover and I pretended to be greatly offended but it's probably a little of both.
This cough is the fucking worst I have shit to do.
I wish things were easier and then I remember that I'm a cliche and I should stop talking.

sight and sound

congrats to me for skipping my first class of the year and congrats to my body for feeling super shitty